NEED to...

I’m going to ask for forgiveness up front from those reading this who’ve long since learned the lesson I’m about to share. Please forgive me for stating what may be profoundly obvious to you; it’s just that I’m learning it so late in life that it feels brand new.

What I’m learning is simply this: I need to spend time with Jesus.

No.

Seriously.

I NEED to spend time sitting,
learning,
listening,
crying,
wrestling,
listening,
singing,
thinking,
listening (did I already mention that?) to what the Holy Spirit is doing in my life and the lives of those around me.

I NEED to receive peace,
grace,
mercy,
wisdom,
power
and purpose like a terminally ill patient needs his daily meds.

And I NEED to give (“expel” may be a better word) my fears,
anxieties,
bitterness,
resentment and failures like so much bad exhaust from the motor in my soul.

What makes all this new for me is that...

BEFORE...

when I was a full-time religious professional...

I HAD TO do these things.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing. I practiced spiritual disciplines to care for my soul as best I knew how. It’s not to say that my devotional time was insincere or unproductive. And I certainly don’t mean to imply that other full-time religious professionals are frauds for practicing the same kind of spiritual disciplines.

All I’m saying is that there has been a major shift in my own heart. My motive is different these days.

You see, before…when I had an office at a church building and a business card that ended with the word “pastor” I was very intentional about practicing daily devotions. As a brief-but-relevant aside let me say that in more than 20 years of full-time ministry I never met anyone who ACTUALLY had devotions every day. Let’s be honest, “daily” devotions usually means we attempt to connect with God every day, but 3-5 meaningful quiet times within a span of seven days would be considered a good week. Looking back, I’ve realized that however frequently I had "quiet times," I was motivated more because I occupied a position of spiritual leadership and authority; and it was disingenuous, to say the least, to preach and counsel about spiritual health and not actually do the things I told others to.

So I rose early, or stayed up late. I filled journals with prayers, study notes and personal reflections. I took spiritual retreats. And I fasted.

I am no longer a professional religious person.

I’m still a pastor because that is how the Holy Spirit has gifted me.

I still lead a church because that’s what the He told me to do.

But I have a day-job; more than one actually. My schedule is kind of complicated and my new business card says “owner.” No one is looking at me standing in some pulpit as some kind of spiritual template; a living-breathing example of piety and devotion. I’m just a guy in my community trying to make a living while at the same time advance the Kingdom of God. Finances are tight; I’ve got one child in college and two more on the way. I’ve got car payments and home repairs to worry about and my eyes are going bad.

Basically, I’m just like all the guys I used to look at from the pulpit and think, “why don’t they get it!?”

Now I know.

Life is hard;

and in the midst of the daily difficulties, fears and stresses there lies a desperate NEED to connect with God. There is a need to feel His presence, to hear His guidance, to somehow sense His pleasure with the way I’m living my life and to bear up under His discipline when necessary. I need the strength and wisdom that comes from regular times of listening for the movement of the Holy Spirit.

I need all these things because I was MADE to NEED them.

Not,

as in the past,

because my job required it of me.

I would ask for any “normal” people reading this to please be gentle with me. Like I said at the beginning, you probably learned this long ago. It’s new for me.

I’ll let you in on a secret; by and large, professional religious people do spiritual things because they are worth doing and their hearts are in the right place. And they do them because we all need someone to teach us how to walk with Jesus. But sometimes we do these things because we’re afraid that if we don’t, you’ll think less of us. We worry that you might not come to hear us preach; that you might not schedule counseling appointments with us; we worry that you might even fire us!

So we have our quiet times.

We devote ourselves to “devotions” (sometimes more so than to Jesus Himself!).

We struggle greatly with having the right motives.

The truth is we NEED to regularly connect with Jesus.

Daily would be nice, but I’d settle for 3 times a week!