Emergent, Simple, Organic...HARD!

So far…

So far I’ve learned how hard this kind of ministry really is. It’s one thing to talk about “a church defined by relationships and not an address,” but to actually see that vision become a reality is agonizingly slow! We’ve been at this for a little over two years and as of December 1, 2005 our church (in terms of numbers) is 8 families. I want to believe that I would struggle less with this if I had more confidence in our unity. Its not that there is a lot of division and hostility, just a nagging sense that they each have slightly different agendas that aren’t at all bad, but to one degree or another different than mine.

So far I’ve come to realize how toxic I had become regarding the conventional church. And I don’t think I’m really over it. I’ve confessed and repented of the bitterness and cynicism but allowing those things to fester as long as I did cost. A lot. My bitterness infected my leadership which weakened what I was trying to accomplish here. I don’t say this to punish myself again; I know I’m forgiven, I’m just saying that there’s a price to pay for unresolved anger and hurt.

So far I’ve been forced to admit the continuous presence of pride in my heart. I don’t know it all. I can’t pretend to speak for God. My “vision” is not perfect or innovative. My skills are marginal. My hurt is not greater than anyone else’s. No one really wants to see my scars or hear about my pain. Maybe this is the kind of “suffering” Paul talked about in Philippians. Or maybe I just need to get over myself and get on with life!

So far, I realize how desperately I need a mentor. I’ve been out on this journey for a real long time without anyone older and wiser to encourage and support me. I’ve prayed and searched, but have I not done that enough? I have a lot of pastor-friends, but they’re so caught up in the running of their own ministries that I’m not at all convinced that they have a lot of time, or a lot of things to say to me. Am I being prideful or just honest? I don’t know. What I do know is that I feel very alone in all this. I’ve begun working once or twice a week at a counter in a local coffee shop just to be around people!

So far I still struggle to find a balance between a prophetic voice against the conventional, consumer-driven church and the voice of a bitter ex-pastor who couldn’t cut it in “real” church. I don’t know where the line is between disdain for the trappings of church inc. and resentment because other churches are being “successful” and I’m “failing.”

So far I still really love my wife and I’m happy for what God is doing in the lives of my children. Shawn is my best friend and being in her presence is at once challenging and comforting. She challenges me because God has made her a complicated, deep and talented woman; and much of the time I struggle to understand what she needs and how I can meet those needs. Her being complicated is not a bad thing though. It’s that very mystery that motivates me. There’s so much going on in her heart and mind and I feel like I’ve only scratched the surface after 23 years. Its comforting because I know that she loves and respects me. Half the time I’m not sure anyone else does, but most days its enough that she does!

So far…