Rear view; a confession

Recently I drove from Denver to Portland. Heading north on Interstate 25, I found myself looking frequently (too frequently!) in my rear view mirrors. You see, I spent five years in Colorado and learned a lot. My family and I shared many great memories, and not a few painful ones as well. Recalling these memories as I drove forward caused me to look backward; I was heading north, and thinking south.

To a degree, this "rear view" thinking has infected my leadership as a pastor. So I guess you could say this is my confession. What I mean is that my motivation at times has been to cast a vision in negative terms; by drawing a picture of "church" based on what I don't want it to become. The unintended consequence of all this is that rather than creating an environment that is charged with positive energy about where we're headed, I've created one infused with negative energy focused on where we DON'T want to go.

I was wrong.

I am sorry.

Forgive me for my slowness in understanding the weight this has placed on your shoulders. My carelesness in all of this has created drag in our momentum and growth as a community that shouldn't exist. I've been very conflicted on all this. There is a part of me that wants to go back to simply doing church the way I've always done it; its familiar. It's comfortable. And then I realize that God is leading me someplace new. The conflict inside spills over in my attitude.

I heard a song this morning that sheds a helpful light on my situation. The chorus goes like this:

I've been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacks

The future feels so hard and I wanna go back.

But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned,

And those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned.

Painting pictures of Egypt...I'm so sorry for doing that. It really isn't what's in my heart!

Recently I wrote down exactly what it is that thrills me about the future; about where I believe God is leading us. I need to say it again; for me...and maybe for you too. I’m stirred in my spirit with a vision of something new, something fluid and beautiful. I can see (in the distance) a new form of “church” that our children will embrace; one so different from the one in which I grew up that at first glance, it doesn’t look like church at all. It lacks the external trappings I’ve become so accustomed to. The buildings, if they exist at all, are cheap and utilitarian. Programs, if you can call them that, are simple and short-term. In this new church, there is no talk of “production,” but instead we speak of listening, learning, weeping, serving…even suffering.

Where we come from impacts where we're headed; and long before God called us together on this journey, He was at work in our lives in a thousand different ways. We have a history with our Father and that history is precious and worthy of honor and respect.

But the future lies in front of us and while it is right and necessary for us to draw from the lessons of the past, we also have a responsibility to face our future together with a willingness to learn new things. The future calls for courage, creativity, discernment, diligence, enthusiasm and energy. And I'm realizing that we can't get there by looking in the rear view mirrors.

The song I quoted earlier was written by Sara Groves. Its about God's people on their way to the Promised Land; perhaps the deepest struggle they faced was a lack of faith in God's leading. Their greatest battle was not with foreign enemies, but with their own lack of trust. I understand that battle much better these days. She ends the song like this:

If it comes too quick, I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

If it comes too quick, I may not recognize it,
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

Again, I'm sorry for leading from the rear view mirrors.

The future is rolled out in front of us and it really is a beautiful sight!